he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
