i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
