After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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