im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
