saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
