who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i've created a new STD.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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