i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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