This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize