You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize