I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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