He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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