Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
