apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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