I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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