i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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