apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
