1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
