I think I died a long time ago.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
