I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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