What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
