Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
