living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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