her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
