Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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