Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
