Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
