hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
