All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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