I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
