He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
