I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
