Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
