please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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