well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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