This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Pants are for mortals
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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