he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
my liver is dry heaving
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
