meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
