He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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