I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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