last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
