Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize