i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
