you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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