I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My bed smells like the plague
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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