Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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