I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
