hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
