I can't watch pbs sober anymore
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
