Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We are all done wearing pants today
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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