I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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