I just pynch a tree in the face
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
