im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
