Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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