So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
