I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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