I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize