Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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