I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
