My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
