just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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