I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Randomize
