I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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