sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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