Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
