Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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