Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
