Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
