I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
soo... how was my night?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
